The story of Hakamou as told to freelance reporter Melanie Turner-Wright.
“Hakamou is a special kind of place.
The idea was formed when we [owners Martin and Sam] met on a Cuban Cruise Liner in the Pacific. As rival Elvis tribute acts, we were bitter enemies on stage. [Sam was a 1950’s gyratin’ Elvis, and Martin a 1970’s triple burger Elvis]
Having been thrown overboard on consecutive nights (the first and second) for losing the passengers’ vote, we both ended up on the same island. Funny sense of humour those Cubans.
On this island we were both rescued and taken to different villages by local tribesmen.”
“Well, I say tribesman, I was rescued by tribesmen who spent their sad and dull lives making long faced effigies of their Gods, and distilling the local speciality called Pisco.
Sam on the other hand was rescued by tribes women. They were loving, peaceful, and generously shared him amongst their elders, their daughters, and their aunties. When he wasn’t copulating he was mixing exotic potions with the witchdoctor, or watching premiership football on their only TV.”
Martin does sound a little bitter about this - but insists that the experience was a life changing opportunity and one he wouldn’t change for the world.
Anyway, Sam then tells me about how they met up and then came back to Northampton:
“One afternoon I was taking a walk along the deserted beach and worrying that now the Premiership season had ended that I would have to step up my ‘other duties’ again (it was great at first, but after a while…). I looked up from my beachcombing for large shells to see Martin bounding towards me from nowhere.
It was a bit of a shock because all that was left of his 1970’s Elvis outfit was a sequined thong. He then embraced me and told me all about this wonderful spirit called Pisco (that he’d obviously been enjoying in large quantities before hooking up with me).
He was right about Pisco though. It’s made from grapes and is 40% ABV. We were soon discussing how good it would be to drink from the freezer as a shot, or mixed with Coke (which we thought we could call a Piscola). He told me that the tribesmen even mix it with 7Up and call it PisUp - really. You just couldn’t make it up! Then we moved on to talk about all the amazing drinks and meals that we had enjoyed on our South Pacific travels.
On realising how good these drinks could be we remembered that there were no freezers, or Coke on our Island. Well, that was it. We decided to go back to the UK where both were in adequate supply.”
I ask Sam what do you mean you decided to go back? To which Sam says:
“Err, there was an airport on the island - so we booked some tickets and flew home”
At this point I’m starting to disbelieve the pair of them. On pressing them they seem to have forgotten the name of the ship they were travelling on, the names of the tribes they were rescued by, the name of the island, and they are unable to sing more than one line of any Elvis song..
Following on from their success in Northampton, they’ve now agreed to constant pleas from the good people of Leicester to open up a Hakamou in Leicester city centre. This venue has been entirely funded by Martin and Sam’s recent success in the hair products industry - which Martin explains:
“We went back to visit the Tukka Tukka tribe and noticed that they were coiffing their pubic hair to resemble Mark Kermode on ceremonial occasions (don’t ask why!). Anyway we discovered that they were using the sap from their indigenous Hapon Dahn tree - and that it kept their quiffs in position for anything up to five days of hard partying.
The sap based gel was so good that we took some home to see if we could sell any. Avon weren’t interested, Loreal were downright rude, and Clinique told us we were a couple of pricks! - So it looked like it was going to be a non-starter.”
“Then a couple of Irish brothers contacted us saying that they had heard about our gel and would like to try it. We agreed, and met up with them and their manager bloke, Louis, at Watford Gap Services. Anyway, they went off to the toilets looking like our old mates Mike and Ali Store from 80’s pop group Flock of Seagulls – and came back looking like a couple of bloody trolls!
The look was so good that this Louis guy gave us a bunch of cash to never give the formula to anyone else. We now supply John and Edward with the gel on an exclusive basis.”
Still remaining suspicious about their implausible stories, I ask them for more details, but they suddenly claim to have somewhere else to be - and leave within seconds.
Despite exhaustive research I haven’t been able to verify a single part of their story, so can only conclude that it’s a stack of lies.
Regardless of this, Hakamou is undoubtedly a fantastic place to visit for good drinks and great times - which will suit a whole range of people who enjoy a good night out. The drinks menu is amazing, and the idea of offering somewhere for grown ups to go after midnight - where they don’t have to shout to be heard - is excellent.
Good on you fellas - even if I don’t believe a word of it...
P.S. Dear reader, I can verify the bit about Pisco. It’s real and available now at Hakamou.
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